My days are numbered

I am faced with another countdown, but a much different one from nine months ago. Nine months ago I was wondering how my little one would change my life, and what I would be like as a mother. I never in my wildest dreams imagined how much I would dread this new deadline that is looming over me, much like the yucky feeling one gets when faced with a physical (or doing a group presentation - ick).

In approximately 7 weeks, my mat leave runs out. Nine months ago, I wasn't worried about returning to work. I was worried about how to look after a wriggly, hungry, poopy newborn. (hmm, that's catchy - I might be able to turn that into a song...) And now? Now I am completely addicted to my daughter and all thoughts of returning to work, and school, leave me feeling sick to my stomach. My stress level these last few months has been almost nonexistent, except when Em is sick and cranky all day. But that stress is so much different from the stress that comes from trying to accomplish a million and one things in the span of a very cramped 24-hour day. I have not really had to stress out about getting anywhere on time, nor have I had to stress out about having five assignments due in one week. Instead, I've been able to just enjoy watching my monkey figure out how to sit, giggle, babble, feed herself, pull herself up, and be on the brink of walking. Some people may think that these simple things are just that - simple - and that they are not fulfilling. Nonsense. I have never been happier. So far this has been the best year of my life! (even getting crapped on ranks up there - because not getting crapped on would mean there would be no bundle of joy in my life). I have enjoyed being at home so much that I would like to do this on a full-time basis. *GASP* Did I just say that? Yes, I, former work-a-holic, would trade it all if I could just be a stay-at-home mom. My hubby likes to remind me that I declared when we started dating that I would NEVER stay at home and look after children. The funny things you say before you have kids! (such as, 'soothers are evil, I will never give one to my child' - that one flew out the window rather quickly)

Another large part of my trepidation about returning to work, is that I don't actually have a job to return to. The job I held while pregnant with Em was a student position. I could only return to it if I had been a full-time student this past year. (in the early days of being pregnant I had seriously thought I would return to school when Em was only four months old. hahahaha) So now I need to start looking for a job. This potential job will probably entail looking after other people's children, at a daycare, while someone else looks after my daughter. That is just screwed up. Even if the other person looking after my daughter is her daddy, or her grandma. It should be me!

How do other moms do it? In the U.S., most moms have to return to work after 12 weeks. They obviously have it worse, but this still doesn't make me feel better. What if I miss something? What if Em feels like I've abandoned her? I'm convinced that I'm the best person for the job (even though on some days I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing - HUGE CONTRADICTION). The guilt that is weighing on me is monstrous. This weight on my conscience is more than I've ever felt - even when I've had three essays due and they are all late and I can't sleep just thinking about them. Will she be permanently scarred when I return to work? Am I being neurotic? Is there a handbook out there that can help me deal with this? A support group? A reaaalllllyyyy large cappuccino and jelly bellies on the side? Ugh ugh ugh.