Pros and cons of being a mother

As I approach the double digit marker as a mother (ten months), I have been thinking about what I have loved, and what has not rubbed me the right way. Of course, everyone knows that the pros outweigh the cons (that what you have to say, isn't it?)....

Pros:

• In the beginning, my breasts could compete with any porn star's double d assets. My hubby nicknamed them 'Tit'anic and the Hinden'boob.'
  
• I am more comfortable than ever with carrying around a bit of extra weight. It doesn't really bother me. I like it when my darling daughter uses my spare tire as a pull toy.
  
• I am forced to be nicer to people. I'm usually quite crusty when I go out and about, but it's impossible to scowl with a baby in tow. People won't let me. They start oohing and cooing at my daughter, and then she starts smiling back. Then damn it, I just have to smile too.
  
• The wardrobe is FANTASTIC! Who knew shopping could be so much fun? All of the cute accessories, fabrics, and shoes! I love it so much it makes me want to puke! Of course, it's not MY wardrobe that is amazing, it's my daughter's clothes that look like they could be on the cover of Today's Parent. My clothes are functional (I need shirts that are hassle free and enable me to whip out my boob in 2.5 seconds). Who knew clothes could be described that way?
• I can talk about poop with people I've just met, and it is considered acceptable. 'Oh, you're son's puke dripped down into your bra? Well, my daughter had a really good morning when she was six weeks old, and her poop filled my belly button! Then it dripped down my legs! It even seeped between my toes and the dog tried to lick it up!' Veterans of motherhood trade bodily function stories like war-stories.
• I love being idolized. Everyday I am the winner of 'Mommy Idol.' At least in our house. I wonder when Em will stop voting for me?
  
• Just like at McDonald's, smiles are free!

Cons:

• Whereas my breasts used to be bountiful, after months of breastfeeding, I could easily sit side by side with some of the women who have been featured in National Geographic. You know the ones I'm talking about. Gravity is a bitch.
• Whoever said that stretch marks fade was lying through their teeth. They are still a nice deep purple, especially when I'm cold. I'm ALWAYS cold so they are ALWAYS there.
• 'Mommy brain.' If you're a mom, surely you've experienced this wonderful phenomenon. Fogginess, confusion, inability to focus - especially when you're child is screaming... If you're experiencing these symptoms, don't worry, you're not having a stroke. You just pushed out a gagillion brain cells in addition to a baby during labour. That's my theory anyway.
• Attack of the guilt trips. They come from every direction and are often unexpected. Just the other day I was told by an 'authority figure', that giving my daughter a soother and a sippy cup would cause her to develop a lisp, because her tongue muscles wouldn't develop properly. Wonderful. This led me to ask (as I felt defensive and needed to try and deflect the guilt that was creeping in), 'so, according to that theory, shouldn't every child who uses a bottle and breastfeeds also develop a lisp? Really, aren't we all screwed?' (okay, I didn't say the last part but I did ask the question. I'm still trying to be 'nice' after all.)
  
• Lack of privacy. Going to the bathroom with a baby sitting on your lap leaves MUCH to be desired.
• Temper tantrums. 'nuff said.

As time goes on, I'm sure the pros and cons will change with all of the big milestones in Em's life. Terrible two's, pre-school, school, first date.... GAK. Must stop now. Life is flashing before my eyes...

My days are numbered

I am faced with another countdown, but a much different one from nine months ago. Nine months ago I was wondering how my little one would change my life, and what I would be like as a mother. I never in my wildest dreams imagined how much I would dread this new deadline that is looming over me, much like the yucky feeling one gets when faced with a physical (or doing a group presentation - ick).

In approximately 7 weeks, my mat leave runs out. Nine months ago, I wasn't worried about returning to work. I was worried about how to look after a wriggly, hungry, poopy newborn. (hmm, that's catchy - I might be able to turn that into a song...) And now? Now I am completely addicted to my daughter and all thoughts of returning to work, and school, leave me feeling sick to my stomach. My stress level these last few months has been almost nonexistent, except when Em is sick and cranky all day. But that stress is so much different from the stress that comes from trying to accomplish a million and one things in the span of a very cramped 24-hour day. I have not really had to stress out about getting anywhere on time, nor have I had to stress out about having five assignments due in one week. Instead, I've been able to just enjoy watching my monkey figure out how to sit, giggle, babble, feed herself, pull herself up, and be on the brink of walking. Some people may think that these simple things are just that - simple - and that they are not fulfilling. Nonsense. I have never been happier. So far this has been the best year of my life! (even getting crapped on ranks up there - because not getting crapped on would mean there would be no bundle of joy in my life). I have enjoyed being at home so much that I would like to do this on a full-time basis. *GASP* Did I just say that? Yes, I, former work-a-holic, would trade it all if I could just be a stay-at-home mom. My hubby likes to remind me that I declared when we started dating that I would NEVER stay at home and look after children. The funny things you say before you have kids! (such as, 'soothers are evil, I will never give one to my child' - that one flew out the window rather quickly)

Another large part of my trepidation about returning to work, is that I don't actually have a job to return to. The job I held while pregnant with Em was a student position. I could only return to it if I had been a full-time student this past year. (in the early days of being pregnant I had seriously thought I would return to school when Em was only four months old. hahahaha) So now I need to start looking for a job. This potential job will probably entail looking after other people's children, at a daycare, while someone else looks after my daughter. That is just screwed up. Even if the other person looking after my daughter is her daddy, or her grandma. It should be me!

How do other moms do it? In the U.S., most moms have to return to work after 12 weeks. They obviously have it worse, but this still doesn't make me feel better. What if I miss something? What if Em feels like I've abandoned her? I'm convinced that I'm the best person for the job (even though on some days I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing - HUGE CONTRADICTION). The guilt that is weighing on me is monstrous. This weight on my conscience is more than I've ever felt - even when I've had three essays due and they are all late and I can't sleep just thinking about them. Will she be permanently scarred when I return to work? Am I being neurotic? Is there a handbook out there that can help me deal with this? A support group? A reaaalllllyyyy large cappuccino and jelly bellies on the side? Ugh ugh ugh.