Ode to a friend. Soon to be welcomed to the 'Mommy Club.'

A good friend of mine recently told me she was pregnant and due this fall. I was ecstatic, over the moon, and more than a little surprised! I didn't think that she wanted children soon, and I had refrained from talking about my little one too much because I thought that it would be 'baby' overload for her. (her sister and sister-in-law had new babies as well). I wonder now if she thought that our conversations, after my daughter was born, were maybe a little odd. Odd because I remember consciously trying to monitor the amount of times that I spoke about my little monkey, which may have made me sound like a complete scatterbrain. It is sooooo difficult not to talk about my daughter every second of the day (especially when I'm not with her). Unfortunately, most conversations usually ended up with me, well, discussing my daughters end, or what ended up getting puked up. Needless to say, once my friend told me she was pregnant, the floodgates were released and I found myself talking a mile a minute about everything to do with pregnancy and the months thereafter. Poor girl. I forgot that she was just entering her second trimester and everyday at that point feels like you've run a marathon. More than one yawn escaped her mouth as I, oh so expert mommy (hahahahahaha), talked her ear off.

I've since thought about all of the practical advice that I'd like to give you, my dear friend, but then I remembered just how annoying said advice can be. You are now entering a time in your life when unsolicited advice is in your face at every corner (especially every corner of the grocery aisle where little old biddies lurk, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting first time moms). Instead, I'm just going to share a few, umm, tidbits (yeah, I like that word), about things that annoyed me when I was pregnant, and how I dealt with them. (in some cases how I WISHED I'd dealt with them.)

• Once your baby bump 'pops,' (initially you'll be thrilled - people will finally realize that you're preggers, and not just dipping into the ice cream every night...but months later when your bump threatens to tip you over, you'll reminisce about the days when you didn't need a wheelbarrow to move around), people will inevitably ask you when you're due. You can respond in various ways: a) give the actual date, b) play dumb and respond 'due for what?' Then wait for look of confusion on the 'askee's' face, especially if you're due the following week. One small problem with giving your actual due date, is that people may respond with: 'are you sure? (no, I'm lying) You look like you're due sooner...are you sure it's not twins??? Unfortunately, I was often asked this. I'd always respond by telling the insensitive jerk that I had a small upper body, which pushed my baby belly out farther in order to give the baby more wiggle room. I may have been talking out of my ass....which leads me to the next tidbit....
• Your ass. This is a topic that I actually wish I had been given advice about. Sadly, it's still taboo to talk about. Except for me. Ass ass ass. Okay, I got that out of my system. I'll keep it brief. You will get hemorrhoids. You may think you won't, but you will. Of all the things that I had the most trouble with after my large child was born, it was this. Take the cream that hospital gives you - it will tide you over. As will the suppositories. Then promptly call your doctor and ask for the heavy duty, no messing around, cure all pains, hemorrhoid cream. It would have been an even longer three months post-partum if not for this cream. Also. my mom was right when she said they NEVER go away. Once you've got them, you're stuck with them.
  
• One of the bits of advice that I hated more than anything when I was pregnant, was "catch up on your sleep now, while you still can." What a bunch of crap. First, like you can bank sleep (sleep experts advise you to wake up at the same time SEVEN days a week, because you can't actually catch up on sleep by sleeping in on the weekend...); and second, once you enter your third trimester, you'll be introduced to the zombie club. (membership in this club is a prerequisite for full membership in the Mommy Club). During the last couple of months of my pregnancy, I woke up every couple of hours (at least once to go to the bathroom), and usually got up for good at about 5:00 am. I could not get comfortable. You are told to sleep on your left side during pregnancy (something to do with arteries and good circulation), but every time I did, my hips burned like someone was jabbing hot pokers into them. If this happens to you, and you're in a hurry to roll over, DON'T! Slowly ease onto your other side, otherwise it will feel like someone ripped out your lower abdominal muscles. An active baby in your belly may also wake you up (or your hubby's hand on your belly will). I think all of the disrupted sleep is mother nature's way of training you for the upcoming months with your newborn. Yes, mother nature IS a sick bitch....
• Eat anything you want (except spicy food - so not your friend during pregnancy). Yes, this is contrary to what the 'pros' tell you, but really, it is the only time in your life that it is okay to be more than a little chubby.
  
• If you can afford it, go on a lot of dates with your hubby. Restaurant and movie dates will be hard to come by once your mini-squid is in the picture.

After your baby is born, the advice is ceaseless and hard to hide from. It WILL make you want to scream. If it sounds good, use it, if it makes you cringe, toss it. People who give it typically have the best intentions, but I think maybe they've suffered from amnesia (guilty), and forget what it can be like as a first-time parent. You want to do everything yourself, and you know better than everyone else. This is true, but only to a point. You will know your baby's mannerisms better than everyone else, but not necessarily HOW to handle them. Change a diaper? Easy peasy. What to do the first time your baby screams for hours on end, and you've no bloody idea what else to try? Have your hubby pick up the phone and call a fellow mommy. Your hubby needs to make the call because you'll be crying as hard as the baby. Your fellow mommy may have a few tricks up her sleeve that you haven't in your sleep deprived hysterical, can't think straight, state, thought of. Keep a list of phone numbers by the phone. Seriously. Fellow moms can comfort you, the following annoying questions/comments after you have the baby will not...

• 'How does he/she sleep at night?' (I'm STILL getting asked this) Do people enjoy hearing that the baby is up every couple of hours, or (as I suspect), is it a way for them to tell you about how well their little one sleeps? FYI: they're lying if they say their six month old sleeps through the night. It just doesn't happen. Here's the big zinger, and I'm not sure if I should tell you, it may make you cry, but....it can take YEARS for your child to sleep through the night without you having to get up and comfort your little monkey. Each child is different, but it is a guarantee that your baby will not sleep uninterrupted throughout the night. Everyone has something to say about this, from the Dr.'s advice to 'Ferberize' your baby (evil, evil doctor), to grandma's advice to let the baby cry-it-out. If you follow either advice, be prepared to have an iron heart, and steel-will... I have found that "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley and "Sleep Solutions" by Ann Douglas to be gentler approaches.
  
• 'When do you plan on having more kids?' Sick, sadistic bastards. You'll want to smack whoever asks you this, especially if you haven't yet resumed relations with your husband (the doc will give you the thumbs up after 8 weeks. Realistically? Between the loss of sleep, and the fact that your, um, bits, are unrecognizable and still quite tender, I'd say four or five months later is more like it. Inform your hubby that there is no scientific proof that he will die of a sperm clot.)
• Again, some stupid fool will ask you when you're due, even though you have your one month old in a stroller right next to you. Throw in a few hormones and this may make you cry. The weight WILL come off, but it is definitely gradual. You may only lose about fifteen pounds right after giving birth.
• Perfect strangers will ask if you're breastfeeding. Once you've shed all shame during delivery, your body and its parts are open for discussion. (someone actually asked me if I'd pooped during delivery. C'mon! I love a good poop story, but there ARE lines I'd prefer not to cross...why on earth do you want to know that anyway?) Back to breastfeeding...because I'm not a stranger, I'll share my thoughts with you. It's the cheapest, most convenient option. However, it's also painful. The 'experts' (who must all be men), say it shouldn't hurt. I've yet to hear a mom say otherwise. For me, it hurt like an s.o.b. for the first six weeks. I almost gave up, but we hung in there and the pain did go away ('all purpose nipple ointment' and frozen peas helped a bit). I met with a public health nurse and a lactation consultant because I thought Em wasn't latching on properly. Nope, she knew what she was doing. I had been led to believe that something was wrong because of the 'no-pain' theory, when everything was just proceeding as it should. My daughter just sucks REALLY hard. She's since been described as an 'efficient feeder.' (downs her milk in record time because she sucks soooo hard.) Another huge challenge for me with breastfeeding were the horrid stints of 'cluster feeding.' During cluster feeds I could often be found crying and topless for the greater part of the day. This was because Em would feed every 20 minutes ALL DAY AND NIGHT. Hence being topless. What's the point of putting them away when they were just going to come right back out again? Visitors were not very welcome on these days. Luckily, cluster feeding does not last more than a day or two, and usually only occurs during your little one's growth spurts. (3 weeks, 6 weeks, 2 months and 6 months if I remember correctly...) Extra word of caution though: if you experience a 'let-down' when you're topless, your cat may think it hit the jackpot.
  
• Immediately ignore the following comment: 'Don't pick up mini-squid every time he/she cries! You'll spoil him/her!' Pure and utter nonsense. Babies can't be spoiled with love and attention. They're just babies! They don't understand this crazy/hectic/scary world. Imagine being left all alone to scream and cry, when that is the only way you know how to communicate. That would be soooo frustrating. When I was told I was spoiling my daughter, I always responded with "No, I'm LOVING her." (the spoiling comments consistently came from people of my grandmother's generation)

Things that you'll want to stock up on:

• Extra heavy duty absorbent pads. Steal as many from the hospital as you can, and buy others BEFORE you deliver. Trust me, you don't want to run out and you WILL need them (potentially as long as six weeks post-partum).
  
• As for 'stealing' from the hospital, try and 'borrow' a few extra pairs of the mesh underwear they provide you with. (there was a supply closet next to the shower at the hospital - I stealthily helped myself) No use ruining the few extra pairs of underwear you have at home that still actually fit your behind. Also, take all of the diapers that they provide you with too.
  
• Suppositories. The hospital will supply you with a few, but you will need more. For awhile.
• Casseroles and healthy snacks. The week before I delivered, I was a cooking monster. I stocked up enough ready-made meals to last about two weeks postpartum. I also baked a lot of bran muffins. Some days, that may be all you'll be able to grab, especially on cluster feeding days. Word of caution: while you are pregnant, you drink milk like it's going out of style. While nursing....many babies can't tolerate it. Every time I drank it, or ate too much cheese (bye bye pizza), Em puked. A lot. Five months later, I was able to resume dairy consumption.
  

Rough time line of your sanity/competency level for the first few months:

• The first week is the hardest. Your head will spin and your body will protest at what has happened to it. You'll think you're living in 'opposite' world. However, once it is over, you'll think it flew. (even though at the time you'll be convinced that some joker tampered with the clock and hit pause.)
• Then the first month has passed. You'll get a feel for what is 'normal,' and you'll no longer remember what life was like before your mini-dictator set up camp. Going out isn't terrifying anymore. You'll know where the washrooms are in every mall, and if they are occupied, you'll know where the closest change room/mall bench is to feed your little one.
  
• Third month. You'll finally feel like you actually know what you're doing. You'll be able to differentiate between your babies cries, and you WILL (trust me, you're a smart girl) be able to tell when your baby is crying for milk, or crying because he/she is tired.
  
• Sixth month. You're a pro. (unless teething starts at this time, then you may feel like you're at square one all over again). Now is when you will start to dispense advice to other moms, feeling like you've been doing this all of your life.
  

Last words: you are going to love your mini-squid with such intensity it will overcome you at the strangest moments. Your hubby, who you thought was the most important person in the world, will take second place (by a mile), much to his chagrin. You will find yourself crying, but it is a good cry.

Last last words: If I've gone overboard and crossed the line with my 'tidbits', then feel free to give me a good punch the next time you see me. Just do it gently please, pregnant women are scarily strong....